Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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