I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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