He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
