I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Randomize
