i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
