why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
