On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What drink are we having for lunch?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
