either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
