Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
