So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I am spending my child support on dildos
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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