I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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