peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
