Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
