Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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