i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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