if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
