i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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