ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
