Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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