the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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