he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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