I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
