I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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