i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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