When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
