it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
