I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
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That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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