goodnight i made you a song goodbye
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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