Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
