grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
