Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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