I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
