I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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