this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
