I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
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