Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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