She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
try to milk me bitch
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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