he thought i was a dude.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
