on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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