i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
