you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
