I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
