I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
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afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
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You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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