I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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