someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
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My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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