I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
