This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
