i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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