im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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