my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
