I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
