Someone shit on the floor
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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