it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
