You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
