Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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