you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
