Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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